Neurotic Honesty

Lately I have noticed that I am having difficulties with censoring what comes out of my mouth.  Yes, I often suffer from a severe case of Acute Social Sarcasm, or A. S. S.

It all started when I was much younger and I was classified as a Little Severely Honest Innocent Toddler.  I don't think that I really need to spell that out for you...  Apparently when honesty comes from a toddler, it's "cute";  but when it comes from an adult, well, that's just rude.  Ironic!

Actually what's ironic is that I don't single anyone out.  No one can say that I'm a racist or sexist.  I'm intolerant of all types of arrogant idiots alike.  If this offends you, you might want to re-read what I just wrote.

I have found that the severity of my ability for censorship is more apparent when I'm around people that I don't know or people that I don't like.  This is why I have developed a relaxing exercise that I call Transcendental Fishing.  This is where I travel to a remote area with a large body of water and I contemplate about drinking and fishing in peace; while I drink a case of Samuel Adams and fish in peace.  For those interested, I am selling self study kits for $50.  You just need to supply your own drink, fishing equipment and large body of water.

State of Numb

Is this what life is really all about?  Going in day in and day out to a place called "work" just so we can have the privilege of making sure we are able to keep our basic necessities available.  Those basic necessities that should be inherent rights of each individual in order to survive - food, clothing and shelter.

If these are "basic necessities" that each person needs in order to stay alive, why do we have to pay for them?  Is it at all right that people suffer or die because they can't afford these basic necessities?  Is it "is what it is..." and that we should be thankful for what we have as long as we aren't the ones hungry and cold?

Lately, I have felt numb because I continually jump on and off the treadmill called "work" or "job" without having any emotional fulfillment or sense of purpose.  All because of the fear of losing the privilege of continually receiving those basic necessities each day; but mostly because of losing peace at home.

I am tired and I'm ready to get off the treadmill.  The only question is will I be conscious or alive to find out?

It's always easy to see the way out when we're outside looking in and yet can be really blinding the other way.  "Why don't you just open the door and walk through?" or "Why don't you just take a leap of faith?"  The truth is that I'm scared.  I am fearful because I have been conditioned for a long time that I would lose the financial ability to secure the basic necessities for me and my wife if I were to lose my job.  I am fearful that losing the level of comfort that we have come to know would eventually tear our marriage apart.  I am fearful that without access to our basic necessities, one or both of us would get so ill and that we wouldn't have the resources to seek help.

I am numb and I'm concerned that it will get to a point that I would be forced into making a wrong "spare of the moment" decision.  I am numb and I don't want to be in this state any longer.